Imago Relationship Theory claims to integrate and extend western psychological systems, behavioral sciences, and spiritual disciplines into a theory of primary love relationships. Its basic premise is that:
- We were born whole and complete.
- We became wounded during the early nurturing and socialization stages of development by our primary caretakers (usually inadvertently).
- We have a composite image of all the positive and negative traits of our primary caretakers deep in our unconscious mind. This is called the Imago. It is like a blueprint of the one we need to marry someday.
- We marry someone who is an Imago match, that is, someone who matches up with the composite image of our primary caretakers. This is important because we marry for the purpose of healing and finishing the unfinished business of childhood. Since our parents are the ones who wounded us, it is only they who can heal us. Not them literally, but a primary love partner who matches their traits.
- Romantic Love is the door to marriage and is nature’s selection process that connects us with the right partner for our eventual healing and growth.
- We move into the Power Struggle as soon as we make a commitment to this person. The Power Struggle is necessary, for embedded in a couple’s frustrations lies the information for healing and growth.
- The first two stages of marriage, “Romantic Love” and the “Power Struggle,” are engaged in at an unconscious level. Our unconscious mind chooses our partner for the purpose of healing childhood wounds.
- With conscious effort and dialogue, our Imago love partner is most compatible with us and able to help us to resolve unfinished issues of self-wholeness.
Interesting theory - thoughts?
//Never saw this video before. Relevant
— Yasmin Mogahed (via quranicverses) // YES.
//Forgiveness requires active repentance from the offending party. What if that’s not possible?
"…. Until now, there has been no healthy alternative, nothing that lies between the fluffy, inspirational concept of "pure" forgiveness (asking nothing in return) and the hard, cold-hearted response of not forgiving.
What I’ve developed is a radical, healthy alternative to forgiving that I call “acceptance.”
Acceptance is a healing alternative that asks nothing of the offender. When the offender is not sorry, or is not physically available — when he or she is unable or unwilling to make meaningful repairs — it is not the job of the hurt party to forgive. But it is the job of the hurt party to rise above the violation and heal him or herself.
In my book, “How Can I Forgive You?,The Courage to Forgive, The Freedom Not To”, I spell out 10 steps hurt parties can take to tie up their wounds and heal themselves — without forgiving an unrepentant offender. These steps include:
-Honoring the full sweep of their emotions
-Giving up their need for revenge but continuing to seek a just resolution
-Stemming their obsessive focus on the injury and reengaging with life
-Protecting themselves from further abuse
-Framing the offender’s behavior in terms of the offender’s own personal struggles, which may have begun before the hurt party came on the scene
-Looking honestly at their own contribution to the injury
-Challenging their false assumptions about what happened
-Looking at the offender apart from his offense, weighing the good against the bad
-Carefully deciding what kind of relationship they want with the offender
-Forgiving themselves for ways they’ve blamed and shamed themselves with regard to the injury
What I call “genuine forgiveness” is reserved for those offenders who have the courage and character to make meaningful amends. Genuine forgiveness is an intimate dance, a hard-won transaction which asks as much of the offender as it does of the hurt party.
To earn forgiveness, offenders must perform bold, humble and heartfelt acts of repair, such as bearing witness to the pain they caused, delivering a meaningful apology, rebuilding trust, and addressing those vulnerabilities that led them to mistreat the hurt party, so that they never violate that person again.
In exchange, hurt parties must work to release their obsessive preoccupation with the injury, accept a fair share of responsibility for what went wrong and create opportunities for the offender to make good. Acceptance is intrapersonal; genuine forgiveness is interpersonal.”
Read this. Just do it.
Eg: “Guys who go “too fast” (defined as whatever makes you uncomfortable), do not respect boundaries. One definition of “abuse” is “that which violates personal boundaries.” It is not flattering that someone wants you so much that he does not care about whether you are comfortable.”
Love is beautiful and worth fighting for. But recognize these signs and get out if you can. It’s never worth it.
“When it comes to winning and losing, I think there are three kinds of marriages. In the first kind of marriage, both spouses are competing to win, and it’s a duel to the death. Husbands and wives are armed with a vast arsenal, ranging from fists, to words, to silence. These are the marriages that destroy. Spouses destroy each other, and, in the process, they destroy the peace of their children. In fact, the destruction is so complete that research tells us it is better for children to have divorced parents than warring parents. These marriages account for most of the fifty percent of marriages that fail, and then some. The second kind of marriage is ripe with winning and losing, but the roles are set, and the loser is always the same spouse. These are the truly abusive marriages, the ones in which one spouse dominates, the other submits, and in the process, both husband and wife are stripped of their dignity. These are the marriages of addicts and enablers, tyrants and slaves, and they may be the saddest marriages of all.
But there is a third kind of marriage. The third kind of marriage is not perfect, not even close. But a decision has been made, and two people have decided to love each other to the limit, and to sacrifice the most important thing of all—themselves. In these marriages, losing becomes a way of life, a competition to see who can listen to, care for, serve, forgive, and accept the other the most. The marriage becomes a competition to see who can change in ways that are most healing to the other, to see who can give of themselves in ways that most increase the dignity and strength of the other. These marriages form people who can be small and humble and merciful and loving and peaceful.
And they are revolutionary, in the purest sense of the word.”
-Dr Kelly Flanagan.
No matter what the circumstances, the one thing you should never do, Hendrix and Hunt say, is find fault. Raise the notion of constructive criticism and they laugh ruefully. “That’s very dangerous,” Hunt says. “It’s an invitation for self-righteousness.”
"Criticism is abuse," Hendrix says. "There’s no way around it. Because it means, ‘You’re not good, you’re not right, something’s wrong with you, and I’m trying to fix it.’" What your partner needs more than anything is simply to feel validated, in large part because most of us grew up feeling that love was conditional on meeting someone else’s expectations.
"Hendrix believes most unions are salvageable and divorce can be "an abortion of the growth process." That’s because we’re invariably drawn to a partner who in some way resembles one of our primary childhood caretakers, and it’s only in the adult relationship that we can complete unfinished business and heal our oldest wounds. To break off a marriage without resolving the underlying conflicts and power struggles—and understanding your role in them—is, he feels, to set yourself up to repeat the same pattern in your next love affair. He concedes almost reluctantly that, in some cases, a couple can decide that they’re moving in different directions, with different values. “It might no longer make sense for two people to spend their lives together,” he says, “but that doesn’t necessarily end the love they have for each other. It just ends the relationship.”
— bell hooks, All About Love: New Visions (via her0inchic) // Word.
"It takes something as profound as love to trick us into putting aside our conflicting interests and mistrust long enough to mate, and sometimes even to raise a family together. "
— Emily Magazine, “Our Graffiti.”