//Never saw this video before. Relevant
— Yasmin Mogahed (via quranicverses) // YES.
//Forgiveness requires active repentance from the offending party. What if that’s not possible?
"…. Until now, there has been no healthy alternative, nothing that lies between the fluffy, inspirational concept of "pure" forgiveness (asking nothing in return) and the hard, cold-hearted response of not forgiving.
What I’ve developed is a radical, healthy alternative to forgiving that I call “acceptance.”
Acceptance is a healing alternative that asks nothing of the offender. When the offender is not sorry, or is not physically available — when he or she is unable or unwilling to make meaningful repairs — it is not the job of the hurt party to forgive. But it is the job of the hurt party to rise above the violation and heal him or herself.
In my book, “How Can I Forgive You?,The Courage to Forgive, The Freedom Not To”, I spell out 10 steps hurt parties can take to tie up their wounds and heal themselves — without forgiving an unrepentant offender. These steps include:
-Honoring the full sweep of their emotions
-Giving up their need for revenge but continuing to seek a just resolution
-Stemming their obsessive focus on the injury and reengaging with life
-Protecting themselves from further abuse
-Framing the offender’s behavior in terms of the offender’s own personal struggles, which may have begun before the hurt party came on the scene
-Looking honestly at their own contribution to the injury
-Challenging their false assumptions about what happened
-Looking at the offender apart from his offense, weighing the good against the bad
-Carefully deciding what kind of relationship they want with the offender
-Forgiving themselves for ways they’ve blamed and shamed themselves with regard to the injury
What I call “genuine forgiveness” is reserved for those offenders who have the courage and character to make meaningful amends. Genuine forgiveness is an intimate dance, a hard-won transaction which asks as much of the offender as it does of the hurt party.
To earn forgiveness, offenders must perform bold, humble and heartfelt acts of repair, such as bearing witness to the pain they caused, delivering a meaningful apology, rebuilding trust, and addressing those vulnerabilities that led them to mistreat the hurt party, so that they never violate that person again.
In exchange, hurt parties must work to release their obsessive preoccupation with the injury, accept a fair share of responsibility for what went wrong and create opportunities for the offender to make good. Acceptance is intrapersonal; genuine forgiveness is interpersonal.”
Read this. Just do it.
Eg: “Guys who go “too fast” (defined as whatever makes you uncomfortable), do not respect boundaries. One definition of “abuse” is “that which violates personal boundaries.” It is not flattering that someone wants you so much that he does not care about whether you are comfortable.”
Love is beautiful and worth fighting for. But recognize these signs and get out if you can. It’s never worth it.
“When it comes to winning and losing, I think there are three kinds of marriages. In the first kind of marriage, both spouses are competing to win, and it’s a duel to the death. Husbands and wives are armed with a vast arsenal, ranging from fists, to words, to silence. These are the marriages that destroy. Spouses destroy each other, and, in the process, they destroy the peace of their children. In fact, the destruction is so complete that research tells us it is better for children to have divorced parents than warring parents. These marriages account for most of the fifty percent of marriages that fail, and then some. The second kind of marriage is ripe with winning and losing, but the roles are set, and the loser is always the same spouse. These are the truly abusive marriages, the ones in which one spouse dominates, the other submits, and in the process, both husband and wife are stripped of their dignity. These are the marriages of addicts and enablers, tyrants and slaves, and they may be the saddest marriages of all.
But there is a third kind of marriage. The third kind of marriage is not perfect, not even close. But a decision has been made, and two people have decided to love each other to the limit, and to sacrifice the most important thing of all—themselves. In these marriages, losing becomes a way of life, a competition to see who can listen to, care for, serve, forgive, and accept the other the most. The marriage becomes a competition to see who can change in ways that are most healing to the other, to see who can give of themselves in ways that most increase the dignity and strength of the other. These marriages form people who can be small and humble and merciful and loving and peaceful.
And they are revolutionary, in the purest sense of the word.”
-Dr Kelly Flanagan.
No matter what the circumstances, the one thing you should never do, Hendrix and Hunt say, is find fault. Raise the notion of constructive criticism and they laugh ruefully. “That’s very dangerous,” Hunt says. “It’s an invitation for self-righteousness.”
"Criticism is abuse," Hendrix says. "There’s no way around it. Because it means, ‘You’re not good, you’re not right, something’s wrong with you, and I’m trying to fix it.’" What your partner needs more than anything is simply to feel validated, in large part because most of us grew up feeling that love was conditional on meeting someone else’s expectations.
"Hendrix believes most unions are salvageable and divorce can be "an abortion of the growth process." That’s because we’re invariably drawn to a partner who in some way resembles one of our primary childhood caretakers, and it’s only in the adult relationship that we can complete unfinished business and heal our oldest wounds. To break off a marriage without resolving the underlying conflicts and power struggles—and understanding your role in them—is, he feels, to set yourself up to repeat the same pattern in your next love affair. He concedes almost reluctantly that, in some cases, a couple can decide that they’re moving in different directions, with different values. “It might no longer make sense for two people to spend their lives together,” he says, “but that doesn’t necessarily end the love they have for each other. It just ends the relationship.”
— bell hooks, All About Love: New Visions (via her0inchic) // Word.
"It takes something as profound as love to trick us into putting aside our conflicting interests and mistrust long enough to mate, and sometimes even to raise a family together. "
— Emily Magazine, “Our Graffiti.”
Pulled from the shelves.
Everywhere I go I see ugly people
with cute people,
and I can’t help to ask myself,
what does she see in that guy?
inner beauty? Well, I have a whole lot of that
I see these happy couples and I used to think
what do I have to do to get a girl
Then that evolved into
what do I have to do to get a girl?
Now, I’m exhausted from thinking.
fatigued from trying to convince myself
that I’m worthy of another being,
tired of looking but not really looking
so it doesn’t appear that I’m desperate
weary of being afraid to tell someone
that I’m interested,
in fears that they will avoid me
consumed from being alone
no longer will I be at the mercy of
ladies to like me,
no longer will I be trying to look
my best for women
that don’t know that I’m
in love with them.
Yes from now on, I am dating myself!
I already talk to myself
so I know my conversations will be good
I’ve always said that I wanted to be with
someone that’s just like me.
well there’s no one more like me than me
it’s not like I’m dating my cousin or nothing
I looked it up,
there’s nothing in the law books
that say a man can’t date himself
I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before
I amaze myself, sometimes
I laugh and joke with myself
on lonely days praying
hard for better days.
now we can get through the rough
no one to impress but myself
I probably still will play games
cry with myself, lie to myself
cause I’d hate to hurt myself’s feelings
I’ll only be looking out for myself, though.
but, you know how women are
once they see you with someone
all of a sudden now they want to get with you!
all of a sudden I’m that cute guy
that is dating someone now.
I assure you I’m not doing this to make
other women jealous
I am completely happy with myself
I like myself
I mean I think I am attractive!
I plan to be with myself ‘til the very end
or until someone
better comes along
pulled from the shelves.
Keep the Faith
by Black Ice
Have you ever…
Been with the one you love
All alone at the same moment
Layin’ with your back
Against cold cadavers
Dead emotions that
Refuse to understand
Your frame of mind
When the strain of time has
Taken its toll
and gaining control is our only goal
selfishly in conjunction where
the things I used to say
to make you laugh and smile
have now become major malfunction
with the one you love and
all alone at the same moment in time
wounds run deep
in painful streams of denial
that make happiness a crime
where relaxing mid Sunday love sessions
turn into frustrating late night Monday
so sarcastic retorts
become our only conversation
no communication and
mis-interpretation have us
constantly passing the buck
so when I’m with the one I love
and actually in love
and wanna make love
she just thinks I wanna fuck
when the omnipresent beauty
of our love
seems to need a complete
where our undivided attention
has become distracted
mistrust and deceitful thinking
and rake over genuine feelings
of unconditional co-existence
when the silence seems golden
but it’s actually brass underneath
it’s passive resistance
lack of persistence
and no assistance
into getting to the root of the debate
has us listenin’ to love songs
we just sang together the other day
the other day swearing we can’t relate
we hate this fate
that seems to await us
but believe it to be
the ultimate outcome
that’s when we must dig deep
to hear that ever constant shout
from our souls allowing the spirit
to open up and visualize the faith
that the physical eyes
cannot make sight of
because although I’m overwhelmed
with loneliness… shit…
I’m with the one I love
at the same moment in time
on egotistical anesthetics
numbing my emotions
so the love only seems sublime.
keep the faith…